Dealing with an ADHD Meltdown

All children have tantrums and flare-ups, but ADHD meltdowns can go on longer, be more violent, and much harder to calm down than neurotypical kids' tempers

When you’re brining up a child with ADHD you’re going to come across meltdowns. In fact, raising any child is going to provide you with ample examples of tantrums, flare-ups, and screaming abdabs, but in children with ADHD they are often longer, more disruptive, more violent, frequent and more severe than those you’ll find in neurotypical kids. 

 So what can you do as a parent, carer or teacher to bring them down to a level you can manage?  

First of all it’s important to recognise that this behaviour isn’t a choice. They’re not being deliberately naughty and they’re not equipped to reason with themselves when they’re in this state. In fact they’re not themselves while they’re in the middle of an episode. They’re no longer using the rational part of the brain, but they are in ‘fight or flight mode’. And because they can’t run away or fight the problem they’re left with few options other than lying of the floor kicking and screaming.  

While they’re not able to reason with themselves it’s also not possible for you to appeal to the rational side of their brain, so don’t try. You’ll only exhaust yourself and get angrier and more frustrated as they appear to refuse to listen or comply with basic instructions such as ‘calm down’. Instead of trying to get through to them directly, offer a distraction instead. Get down to their level so you can make eye contact and ask them about something unrelated to the reason they’re in a meltdown, start singing a song, or tell them a joke. Since meltdowns are related to self-preservative aggression, suggest the child punch a cushion, a teddy, or some other soft, safe object. Tearing up paper into scraps can also help vent the violence in a form that is least destructive.  

If you need to actually communicate with them while they’re throwing a tantrum remember that they aren’t equipped to reason at this point so speak in short, uncomplicated sentences.  

The Power of Distraction

While you’re trying to distract them, talk calmly and with empathy as getting frustrated or visibly annoyed is only going to antagonise the acute stress response, making the situation worse. If you’re not the kind of person who can do this, or even pretend to be calm and relaxed when the behaviour is stressing you out, it’s ok, screaming and crying are evolved to stress adults. It prompts them to want to stop the noise by solving the problem the child is experiencing, ie hunger, discomfort, et cetera. When the child is screaming and won’t stop no matter what you do it’s natural to become angry as well because you can’t solve the problem and make the noise stop. If that sounds like you then it’s better you leave rather than get involved, providing there is someone able to deal with the child who can remain present.  

It’s important to try not to talk about the things the child is doing wrong while you’re attempting to distract them, because instead of drawing attention away from the behaviour you’re pointing it out and reinforcing the idea that it’s this type of behaviour which is going to be most successful as far as the fight or flight reaction is concerned.  

Can meltdowns be prevented? 

The short answer is no. All children get frustrated and angry, and they don’t have the skills needed to express themselves properly, so their options are limited. But what you can do is look out for triggers which are likely to bring about a meltdown. You won’t always be able to prevent the trigger from occurring, but you might be able to reduce the effect or shorten the tantrum by removing whatever triggered it from the environment.  

It’s tough to face, but your response to bad behaviour could be a trigger. If you tell the child “If you throw that again then I’m going to take it away from you” but don’t follow through then the child has lower expectation of consequences for naughtiness. If consequences aren’t predictable then the times that you do take away the toy which is being thrown is going to result in a meltdown because the child perceives their treatment as ‘unfair’ since doing exactly the same thing yesterday resulted no consequence whatsoever, or at worst, an empty threat. So only use warnings for misbehaviour if you genuinely intend to carry them out.  

Instead of simply threatening punishment for poor behaviour, try to remember to reinforce good behaviour with rewards and praise as much as you can. If a child is never praised or encouraged to behave well, but they know that a meltdown will get attention then it’s this that they’re going to use when they have a problem that they can’t solve on their own. Just telling them that you loved how they shared their toys, or how proud you are of how hard they tried in a test that they did abysmally in shows that you’re paying attention and you want the best for them.  

What about after the meltdown? 

Once they’ve calmed down try to find out what the trigger was and talk about what would have been the ideal outcome had a tantrum not been triggered. Acknowledge the child’s feelings and let them know that you understand how that feels. Share what might have been a better response when they started to feel that way, one which wouldn’t have led to the outburst but resolved the situation without anyone getting upset.  

If the child is old enough to express it in such a way, ask them to give the anger and frustration they experienced a grade of 0 to 10. By doing so you’re able to see how big the problem was as far as they perceived it without having to revisit the emotional state. If they’re not old enough ask them how big it was. Of course it was huge at the time, but looking back now that they are calm, they will be able to grasp that what seemed like a dire emergency wasn’t really that bad at all.  

Finally, if you have tried and re-tried all the different methods suggested here and elsewhere, ask for professional help. The inability to stop or curtail meltdowns could be indicative of further behavioural problems such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder where far from being deliberately uncooperative the child is simply incapable of responding to authority such as a parent or teacher appropriately. Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder can cause explosively violent and excessive tantrums, but the symptoms also include ongoing long term irritability, anger, and frequent intense tantrums and outbursts, often more than three times a week, and continuing for a yar or more.